Our buddies from the National Security Agency (NSA) hot-delivered the following transcript from the Oval Office in the White House of a phone conversation between the North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un and U.S. President Barack Obama.
(O: denotes Barack Obama, K: Kim Jong-Un, S: Secretary staff)
S: Mr. Obama, Mr. Kim Jong-Un is on line one.
S: Kim Jong-Un, from North Korea.
O: ahem ..
S: I can let him leave a message, but he says it is urgent.
O: Alright, put him through.
O: Hello … hello
K: Is this the President?
K: Hi, this is Kim Jong-Un, from North Korea.
O: Hi, Kim. What a surprise. What can I do for you?
K: Well, Mr. President, I’m usually not a complainer. I’m a man of action.
K: But this fellow of yours, he’s getting on my nerves.
K: I’m wondering if you can do something about him.
O: It depends. Who are you talking about?
K: I’m talking about this basketball guy, Dennis Rodman.
O: Dennis Rodman? (laughs)
K: Mr. President, it is not funny.
O: Sorry (continues laughing)
K: I’m serious, Sir.
O: I apologize, but to be honest, nobody here takes him seriously.
K: Well, you haven’t been on the receiving end.
O: What do you mean?
K: First of all, he came here to North Korea 3 or 4 times this past year.
O: Is that unusual?
K: Come on – who in their right mind would do that, unless they have to.
O: I see your point.
K: And then – he calls me every other day or so and wants to talk to me.
O: That borders on harassment.
K: He wants to spend vacation time with me together…
O: Oh boy..
K: And to top it off, he sang “Happy Birthday” to me!
O: You didn’t enjoy?
K: O man, it was AWFUL. AWFUL. I mean – he just can’t sing!
O: But I thought, you looked happy.
K: I was happy when it was over.
O: I see.
K: Don’t you make a happy face in some situations just for the public appearances even though it is really bad?
O: Oh yes, indeed.
K: So, can you help me to get Dennis off my back a little bit?
O: Oh, I don’t know.
O: Kim, can I ask you a question?
O: Correct me if I’m wrong, but we had the impression over here – or were rather made to believe, that you and Mr. Rodman are “best friends”.
K: I know Dennis has said this.
O: Not true?
K: Oh, I like him.
O: You do?
K: I like to see him play. And he is one of very few to say nice things about me without being forced to.
O: Probably not many do.
K: But then, what is a “friend”? Whom can you really trust?
O: Not many. You’re right about this.
K: You have your own experiences?
O: Oh, absolutely. It’s tough to be head of the government.
K: Thanks for understanding, Mr. Obama.
O: You’re welcome.
K: So, can you help me with this Rodman issue?
O: I don’t know – we don’t have really a lot of ways to act.
K: Can’t you just revoke his passport?
O: We could, but it may not get the desired result.
K: What do you mean?
O: The last time we tried it on someone, he refused to come home and just stayed at the airport.
K: Really, can he do that?
O: He did. He stayed there for over a month.
K: What happened then?
O: Well, the government over there finally granted him a temporary asylum.
K: Did they have to do that, though?
O: They probable didn’t see any other choice – after all he couldn’t go anywhere else.
K: That’s so sad.
O: I’d guess that’s not what you want to do with Mr. Rodman.
K: Do what?
O: Grant asylum.
K: Oh no no no no no no no. Hell no.
O: Of course, you could put Mr. Rodman into detention…
K: Nah. I don’t want to create another martyr, especially not with a celebrity anyway.
O: Oh, we wouldn’t mind.
K: No, that is out of question.
O: You could deny visa the next time he wants to travel.
K: No, I don’t want to be rude.
O: Well, I have no other ideas for you, except for take in strides, make a happy face until it’s over.
K: I guess so.
O: I mean, that’s what we do here in similar situations.
K: Thank you, Mr. President, for the advice. I feel like I have a new friend in you.
K: Thank you. Nice to talk to you.
O: Kim – I like to use this opportunity to talk about something that is on my mind.
Kim? Kim? Are you still there? Don’t hang up on me. Damned.